The Voice Of The Inner Teenager To Your Divine Self

I am the lost teenager in the void, caught between worlds. Heavy with grief and loss and undigested pain, my tears are so often silent. Are tears real if there is no one there to witness and care about the origins of their existence?

I have made myself invisible and my bedroom is my invisibility chamber. The only place that I can uncloak, unwrap and unmask the authentic me.

The real me is too sensitive for this school, this world, this life. This reality of my parents who do not understand me. I am a ghost in their world. Or I am the source of all their problems. I am never just me, being appreciated as such.

I am loud and rebellious in moments. Rebellion my only means to define myself. In contrast rather than in conformity. To conform is to have my aliveness slowly smothered by programming and conditioning. To conform is to be safe yet to sacrifice being truly alive.

I watch them slowly dying, these parents of mine, fading to gray like a washed out piece of clothing ran through the washer too many times. Their colours are all worn out and their bodies and their sexuality and their passion for anything.

I would rather take my own life, which I do think about sometimes. Choose it in a pain laced ceremony with no witnesses. I fantasy about my own funeral and how the guests will finally miss me, finally appreciate me, finally love me. How ironic that I would receive all that I have wanted only after I am gone?

My friends are both lifelines and tormentors. We can be cruel as school yard bullies to each other just as we can be as devoted as the most obsessed lovers. Some of my inner world can be shared with them and seen by them. Yet this makes it hurt even more when they betray or abandon me.

I ache for true sisters that I think my soul remembers. I can vaguely see circles of dancing women, holding hands, around a fire and in prayer. We are devoted to a source of such immense love for us that we always feel held and seen. A motherly type goddess love that makes the inner and outer worlds safe, aligned to a purpose to serve this love with everything we are. A type of love that is held in the trees and in the ground and in the waters and in the wind. Encompassing everything and nothing all at once.

And I see brothers there too, in the same devotional focus to their father god who is so steady yet also electric. I can see being claimed by one of these soul brothers and a deep, deep reunion happening beyond lust, beyond what the crushes on boys in my school have offered, beyond what my parents have shown me.

I want to remember more things like this, things not from this life and this family and this flat world. My soul is a bright and intriguing broadcast that I would very much like to tune into yet right now there is mostly snow and some faded images.

I would like to be a student of my soul, an acolyte of my soul’s teachers. Instead my head is filled with useless information that is the only education this flat world will give me. Most of it I will likely reject and forget.

I am waiting here, to be shown the way into the magical realms, into soul remembrance, into emotional maturity. I am here, waiting to be claimed.

Please come and find me, love me, and share with me all you have learned in the years since my beginnings.

You are my future self and I need a new parenting, mentoring and modelling. Bridge me to that vast love that you can access so that my broken heart can be filled with it.

I don’t want to cry anymore tears in silence all alone. Please embrace me, allow me to grieve, open up to my intense emotions rather than resist them. Listen to my music with me, those songs that provoke my heart and my deepest feelings. Read the words that I write or the pictures that I draw as I don’t want to hide them away anymore.

Please stop rejecting me in order to ‘get on with your life’. I know you are trying to protect me, to be functional, to conform, yet all of this has been at a huge cost to me and to your aliveness.

I can help you remember what you once ached for before you became numb. And you can help me be less sensitive, less opened up nerve endings reacting to the whole world.

Hold me in your heart and we both grow from it and our soul opens up in response. As does all of life in brand new ways.

I want to be free!

Love,

Your inner teenager

~

This voice of the inner teenager came through me as a composite of so many that I have been honored to connect with in session space over the years. Their despair is so often the portal to desire; their depression is capped creativity; their longings a sign of soul awakening.

This is the plea of this part to be seen/felt/reparented by YOU as an adult, separate from the energy of the Inner Protector. Everyone else in your life (especially if you are parent) may be receiving your love and nurturing attention other than THIS part of you, who is so often rejected and disowned. As you become the loving presence in your inner teenager's life, SO much shifts in the social, emotional and spiritual areas of life offering more balance, maturity with less reactivity, and curiosity!

Here is more about the inner teenager, plus a guided meditation video to connect with yours and journaling questions: https://tinyurl.com/2zs23te5

We are going into the world of the inner teenager during our monthly group call over zoom on Sunday, July 21st from 5-7pm WET/UK - 12pm EDT if yours is drawn to join us to come hang out, feel, and BE REAL! We will offer teachings/sharings about the inner teenager, a guided meditation/journey to create a bridge to where they are now (usually in your teenage bedroom) and to a higher dimensional space with the Divine where they can unfold, heal and safely share. We will then open the space to whomever would like to share.

You can join us and get the recording by offering a donation with more here.